A Reformed Moron?

So here I am, returning from the cyber wilderness to update you on the life and times of this, the most oafish moron that ever walked the land. Over the summer months I'll be updating you on my quest for love and employment, as well as filling you in on my dull day-to-day activities.


Since my last entry I have completed my university course and graduated with one of the most pitiful degree classifications ever known. I'm yet to meet someone who received a worse mark which I guess goes to show what a sad, underachieving piece of pond life I really am. 

OBUFC Moron Society on the road

The most interesting that occurred in the last few months was Tour 2011. A truly beautiful occasion for any Mayhemist. Some of the things I encountered was necking the famous 'Moonface' in a hedge, necking a scouser in a kebab shop, playing my penis like a guitar and getting thumped by a bouncer numerous times, Zoidy and I eating a camera, Gradzi and I punching each other in the face until we begged for mercy, dipping my head in a bowl of yoghurt in the hotel canteen, Suttos eating a lit cigarette, Father Jack taking a dump on a photo of Joe Kinnear, Billo telling women to get back in the sea, Janner bellyflopping from 15 feet into the pool and most sickeningly of all, a group of men and women stripping the sheets off a naked girl as she lay sleeping. And that is just a quick brainstorm of the moronic activities that took place. It was a truly beautiful week for anyone who truly loves Mayhem and being a moron, but those times are sadly behind me now and I must look towards my bleak future.


Until about a week ago I held a position as a cashier at a bookies, a sensational job for a man as bone-idle and lazy as I am, but for some bizarre reason I resigned to try and find graduate employment. However, by some miracle I am in the process of gaining full time employment and with any luck I will be living the dream in the next week or so.  This will be greatly valued, in part due to the fact that it will make it a hell of a lot easier to meet women. Over the course of my four years at university I alienated myself from almost every female that I crossed paths with because of my hideous appearance, cowardice, bizarre ramblings and borderline gambling, smoking and alcohol addictions. True misery.

I think the Nescafe was trying to tell me something

As always, I will briefly, and I emphasise briefly, talk about my quest for love which as usual is going absolutely no where. If anything things are as desolate as ever, and I have divulged in conversation with just one woman in a social environment in about a month. This just goes to show how many beans short of a salad I am, and the lack of women who want to talk to me. You don't need to comment telling me how pathetic this is.

Now the time has come to change what I am and possibly develop a new life for myself, the likelihood of this? Time will tell, but as a gambling man, if I had to put odds on it, I'd go with 100,000-1. Wow.


Well, I guess that's all for now. If you're ever feeling low, always remember reading this and I am sure it will immediately make you feel better.